The Last Leap

The wind blew my hair into disarray,
As I stood at the very edge,
Breathing in the dusty evening air,
And trying my hardest not to retch.

My myopic vision blurred the distant buildings,
Focusing on nothing but the ground,
It seemed too soft for my liking,
Apprehension clawed at me, like a terrified hound.

There was a tumultuous overflow of doubts inside my head,
Will I make it? Could I succeed?
After years of strife and sorrow and pain,
Will I finally be freed?

It hurt to think of all the sufferings I had endured,
For, they were the strangling noose,
Born along with me, a shadow that suffocates,
Always resisting my attempts to break loose.

Stuck in a course I had come to detest,
Studying for something I never want to be,
This place of education that I now stand upon,
Had morphed into the monsters, in my nightmares I see.

My home, my sanctuary the tell me it is,
Had become my very own concentration camp,
It was the place where my dreams had been shattered,
The bitter memories too hard to tamp.

There was nought one can do, when, 
The very people, who were supposed to have your back,
Become bent on turning you into something you're not,
Reminding you constantly that it is many a thing you lack.

Considered a constant disappointment, a curse upon the family,
Never being able to speak my mind,
Life at home was akin to hell, for,
They never understood, that each child was one of a kind.

As I stand at the top of the building, ready,
To end this pathetic survival, not on a whim,
My mind drifted to the one I would miss most,
The one who'd made me wish for a future. Him.

He came into my life like a beacon of hope,
Making me want to live long, despite everything else,
He gave me dreams, he gave me nervous butterflies,
His eyes bewitched me better than magic spells.

He made me feel alive and beautiful,
Never letting me drop my smile,
He was everything I thought the man of my dreams would be,
My love for him stretched to many a mile.

But just like every awry aspect of my life,
It wasn't much later that I came to know,
That he favored another, someone much better than me,
Upon all that was weighing me down, it was the final blow.

I tried so hard to banish his thoughts,
Wanting him to be happy no matter what,
That was when I decided that he should never know,
And hid my feelings deep within, left alone to rot.

It is a secret I'm taking to the grave, my unrequited love,
The only beautiful thing in my otherwise ugly life,
The only memory I hold close to my heart,
As I stand here, to end my twenty-two year long strife.

I sent him a silent apology, one that would never reach him,
As tears burn my eyes at what I'm about to do,
I took a deep breath, knowing it was one of my last,
And mentally berated myself for crying anew.

He would think me a coward,
Just like everyone else out there,
No one but me knew the battles I've fought,
About their baseless accusations, I haven't a care.

Yet there was just one thing I wished I could change,
As I wondered if I should have fought for my love,
For, it was the only thing I gave up without a fight,
And the only regret that stood above.

As I closed my eyes and took that last leap,
My atheistic lips murmured at odds,
"Please don't ever let him find out about my love,
For it would kill him, Please Gods."

The Real Message

    As seems to be the current trend wherein everyone has something to say about BBC's short film India's Daughter, well, so have I. I was quite apprehensive about the gory details the film could reveal and thought twice before playing it. But as I finished watching, the stuff that had actually infuriated, disgusted and alarmed me, were those that were way out of my imagination. For example, a well-bred, educated and respected person in the society, a lawyer no less, states with the utmost conviction, "There is no place for women in our society." If that is how a person high up society's ladder thinks, with years and years of education behind him, India, is in quite a pathetic state indeed. There was another of the defence lawyers that said he would burn his sister/daughter alive, in front of his whole family, if she 'disgraces' herself before marriage. Compared to this, I felt the convict's shameless recollections were less outrageous. The men like those lawyers walk free, camouflaged among us with their neat outfits and cultured speech.

    I do not know what Leslee Udwin hoped to convey with this film of hers's, but as I sat there just as the film ended, there were just three words in bright red flashing in front of my eyes- 'GIRL, SAVE YOURSELF', 'Cause lets face it, as much as we keep 'hoping' that the society would change for the better and treat women with the respect they deserve, it is NOT going to happen. Not with people like those lawyers still out there and continue to be. Patriarchy has always been the way of life in our nation and will continue to be. It is going to take another hundred years or so to change that state and it would not be enough even then. No matter how much we protest against abuse of women, rapes and molests keep happening everywhere. Ladies, lets step out of the cinematic delusion that a guy will jump out of thin air, punch your molester in the face and save you. And neither is Lord Krishna going to send you yards and yards of saree when someone pulls at your cloths. Apparently he does that only for royal princesses. The bitter truth is, no one cares. Even if some do, they won't be there to save you. Any saving that's going to be done is by you. And it's the only way out.
 
    Agreed, we aren't as strong as the men but there are certain defence tips that we could remember and put to use when needed. These are simple, effective and easy to remember and could very well be life-saving.

1. If you don't have pepper sprays or perfume or chilli powder or sand to blind him, use your good old fingers to poke him in the eye. Really hard. It will blind him and give you enough time to escape.

2. Then there's the age-old defence move, the kick to the groin. Use your knee or foot and hit as hard as you can with all your strength. It will paralyze your attacker.

3. Anything is a weapon. Rocks, sticks, rods and pretty much any heavy or sharp object you could find can be used as a weapon on your attacker.

4. If you could find a thin stick (or you could  carry an empty gel pen refill), stick it hard into the attacker's ear. It will burst the ear drums and cause enough pain to disable him for a couple minutes.

5. The front side of the throat is where the windpipe is. If you punch there, you disable the person. A hard enough punch can even kill them. Not to worry, since the law allows you to kill anyone who's trying to rape you.

6. If you're being held close enough, knee or elbow him in stomach. This makes it difficult to breathe and the attacker will loosen his hold on you.

7. If you are thinking of punching him in the face, load your punch. Pull your arm back from the attacker's face as much as you can before you slam forward.

8. If you could shove your palm into the attacker's nose, its even better. Hit hard. If you can't get your palms up there, use your forehead. It is even more effective.

9. Last on the list and probably the first thing you should do when in danger is shout. Scream your lungs out. If there's a chance of you being heard (which is not mostly the case, which is why i'm listing it last) make use of it.

    These moves doesn't need muscle and is perfect for even the puniest of women and young girls. If you're reading this, make sure you pass those points to every girl you care about and to even those you don't, for, that simple gesture could save a life. Oh, and today is the 8th of March! Happy Women's Day! (And that's the most ironical thing I've ever said.)

WHY THE SHOCK?!

     Have you ever met a person on whom you've had this whole character conceptualised in your brain and suddenly a day comes, where all your ideas are shattered and the person turns out to be completely the opposite??! Ofcourse you have! So did many of us. Sometimes the person turns out to be way better than what we thought or way worse. Such a thing happened to me during my school days, and i was the one who was judged on that particular incident and came out wondering what the hell is it with people and their unfounded notions. I'm writing this right now as a result of those infamous memories crashing down on me when i had come across a particular profile on Facebook. 
    
     It was in my twelfth standard when the whole school was bustling about with preparations for the upcoming Inter-school culturals conducted by a different branch of my school. Almost all of the staffs were engaged in the selection of participants to represent our school in the various on-stage and off-stage events. There were the student representatives roaming around the campus in the name of "jobs for the teachers', there were the normal ones who were enjoying free time since most of the teachers were engaged in the selection work and there was me waiting amongst a bunch of people outside the English Dept. in order to find out what is to be done to participate for the poetry writing contest. 
   
     So then, about me. To put it in one word a 'Nobody'. Outdated specs, two plaits and a permanent blank expression would sufficiently sum up my appearance. I was an average student with a below average math performance and an above average English performance ( much to the surprise of my friends and my English teacher!). It would not come as a surprise if a girl sitting in the farther end of my class, didn't know my name! I have never been up on stage thanks to my stage fright and possessed no particular skill that people would notice me. All i had was a good English vocabulary and a huge passion for reading and writing which no one but my close friends know about. So obviously there was no surprise when i caught some of the other aspiring contestants standing next to me, giving me curious stares that could only mean " What the hell is she doing here?". Or even some that meant "Who is SHE?!" . I on the other hand had no such doubts concerning the others 'cause almost each of them were known in the school either as speakers or debaters or writers for the school magazine or academic big-wigs. I had decided that none of those uncomfortable stares were gonna turn me away because it was not only my final year of school but also my last chance to gain recognition for something i knew i was good at. So i had my usual blank expression on and stood there like nothing was odd. The staff responsible for selecting us came out and took us to the computer lab where we were given some sheets to write a poem under the title " Chennai - Past, Present and Future" in the given amount of time. I spent half the time thing on phrases and ideas, a fifteen minutes to write out a draft and the next fifteen to write the official copy. By the end of it, i thought my poem was a bit kiddish as i was hell-bent on using a rhyming pattern. But i was satisfied on the whole because i had sufficiently put all my ideas to use and i rather thought it was good. But of course i was sure the others had all done job worthy of an English Doctorate, because their talent was just a little short of legendary in my school. We were sent back to our classes after being told that what had just been conducted was the inter-house poetry competition whose winners will receive prizes from the school and the top two winners will be sent to the inter-school culturals. The next day we were all called to the Dept. again to know the results. I had this weird queasy feeling in my stomach and i would've happily placed a bet that i was sure to be the bottom scorer! But of all the wonders, i was informed i had come second!! Next in line to the most popular girl in school whose dad was this VIP who had been the chief guest to the previous year's annual day! We were told that we both would be representing the school three days later in the inter-school culturals Raaazmatazz along with participants from twenty or more different schools! When a few of my co-contestants obliged with a scattered applause, all i could manage was a weak smile. Did i really make it to the second place?!! I was still bewildered when the lot of us made a slow pace to our respective classrooms. In the middle of the stairs, suddenly one among us had a dizzy-spell and stopped, leaning on the wall. Everyone around got concerned and were asking "What happened? " "You ok??" and such. I just stood there staring blankly at her. 
     
     About Her. To put it in one word, "My opposite"! She was the captain of a house, an athlete, a basketball player, a member of various committees, a top rank holder,a pet for most of the staffs and on the whole a girl whom many students look up to and have genuine respect for. Including me. Until that moment atleast. She looked nothing short of baffled and wounded leaning on the wall and very close to tears. I was equally baffled because i would've sworn she was not the fainting sort! My moment of eureka came when she glanced at me with a look of utmost disbelief and loathing! So that was it! Little Miss. Perfect could not digest the fact a Nobody like me could beat her in no less than a Poetry Competition! It was just a glance but nevertheless, one with a load of meaning. It took her a few minutes to pick herself up and we all proceeded to our destination.
     That incident would always be etched in my memory as long as i live. It was a moment which taught me one of the most unforgettable lesson of life. Never judge a book by its cover. A widely used phrase but it took me that day to realize it to its full extent. Never underestimate anyone, especially people who never seem to be any worth. It would indeed be a turning of the tables when they show what they've really got. For all you know, they might be more worthy than you! And i took great pleasure in proving that to a very shocked Miss. Perfect when my name was announced in the assembly a week later as the First Prize Winner of the English Poetry Competition in the inter-school Culturals 'Raazmataaz'!! :) ;)

I'M STILL HERE...

Here i was, awaiting the dawn,

A blank wall on my right and a sea of empty desks around,

The blackboard showed most  of yesterday's notes,

And the clock kept ticking away...

Three hours more...I sat waiting, waiting and waiting...

A dozen places i could've been at this moment,

My house? No, that was where i always cried.

My Gran's place? No, that was where everything started.

My native place? No, that's where my family was.

My best friend's house? No, she would be fast asleep.

My school? No, it makes me nostalgic.

Mt. Everest? The pyramids? Statue of Liberty?

Hell, no!! They no more interest me...

Nothing but this place... My College. My Classroom.

Time must've run fast 'cause the door opened... Finally!! 

I sat up all glowing eyes and beaming smile :)

One by one they all came, in pairs and groups.

My best buddies took their seats next to me,

The other close ones filing into the nearer benches... FRIENDS.

They're all i need now... They're all i've needed for the past month...

Lessons started as usual and went on till break.

The usual chatter,laughter and noise filled the air,

People gathered around our desk and lunches were opened.

"Hey, thats my favourite!" i exclaimed over a dish. No one heard me...

When a bottle was about to roll off, i stopped it. No one saw me...

When something funny was said, i burst with laughter. No one noticed me...

When i was jostled into the group, i winced. No one felt me...

The reason no one saw, felt or heard me was because...

Well 'cause, i wasn't one among them anymore...

I'm no longer flesh and blood...

I'm no longer breathing...

I'm no longer visible... 

I'm no longer alive...

All i was, was a mere ghost...

The imprint of a soul...

A shadow from the past...

A mere memory of a girl..

A girl who had sat in this very same bench,

A girl who had laughed with these guys,

A girl whose life had ended just a month back,

A girl who had sat here, every minute of that month...

Just to be with the ones she loved.

The ones who had meant everything to her before her death.

As if sensing my presence, i quite voice said, " I miss her."

Everyone went still, and i knew what they were thinking...

The painful memories of losing me.

I knew 'cause i had wept with them when they wept over me...

Wanting to comfort them, though i couldn't...

Wanting to reach out and wipe away their tears...

Wanting to say the words they could never hear from me...

Not then, not now, not ever...

" I'm here... I'm still here......... "

Tadaaa!! :D

Hi all!
Its great to finally start my own blog which from now on takes the place of my very battered old diary which bears the results of all my tryst with writing for over 6 yrs! It has lost its binding and a few pages at the back, which made me feel its high time i 'upgrade' myself. Also it doesn't hurt that a blog is a very convenient way of luring employers for my writing. For me writing is more than a passion. It is an escape from reality (my very rigorous reality!) just like reading. Thanks to those huge number of books borrowed from the local library or the even greater number of ebooks i downloaded like a mad person on my mobile, i am quite sure i have what it takes to come up with something worth reading when you are bored as hell. And that is exactly what i intend to do here... Write what i want and what i feel. If you are reading this, i have just this to tell you..... "Gee, thanks!!" :D